


You Are the Only One

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, 2012 Phan, 2015 Phan, Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Dan Howell - Freeform, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Out of Order, Phan - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, married, not chronological
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 20:48:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5758321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little snippets of Dan and Phil's lives from meeting to marriage based off the lyrics of Ed Sheeran's "One" from both Dan and Phil's POV. Some angst with mainly fluff and a happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Are the Only One

**_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2010)_

_“Tell me that you turned down the man_

_Who asked for your hand_

_'Cause you're waiting for me”_

I shouldn’t be worried. It’s only been fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes since Phil went to get us drinks and said he’d “only be a minute.”

We were at one of Alfie’s parties, and while I’m not too big on interacting with strangers, being able to flirt with and touch Phil while blaming it on the alcohol is definitely a perk. We’d only been here an hour or two, but the horrible music mixed with nauseating body odor had me wishing we never even came. I was just about to suggest leaving early when Phil said he would get us more beer.

Which brings us back to the current situation. It had now been twenty, (yes twenty!), minutes, and okay, I admit. I’m a bit worried. This isn’t like him. He had been a little on edge all night, but I just wrote that off as stress. He needed a break, which was really the main reason I got him to come tonight. I decided to wait about five more minutes, in case that spork had just gotten lost.

Five minutes came and passed, and I’d had enough. Due to the fact that I am so helplessly clumsy and unbalanced, I stood up entirely too fast and nearly toppled over. It seems I drank a tad more than previously thought. However, I was determined to find Phil and tell him off for abandoning me in the middle of a party packed full of people I’d never met. Well, at least that’s the reason I chose to believe for why I was feeling like a child who lost his mum in a store, rather than the fact that I literally depend on Phil for everything.

As I made my way through the mass of sweaty and alcohol-ridden bodies, I started feeling more and more nauseous. Desperate for any relief from the malodorous and terribly stuffy room, I pushed open the back door and nearly fell to the ground. Breathing a deep sigh of relief, I tried and failed to rid my lungs of the awful scent of the house.

“Jesus, that was fucking he-“ I began to say to Phil, when I realized my best friend was nowhere in sight. I suddenly remembered my mission, and begrudgingly started for the door, when I heard someone speak

“So what did you want to ask me?” _Phil._ I’d recognize that accent anywhere. He sounded like he was in the driveway next to the house, so I began to make my way over there. The sound of another voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

“Phil, I… I’m in love with you,” confessed the mystery speaker. Male. Sounded young. Probably- wait. WAIT. SHIT. FUCK. My heart stopped. My breath caught in my throat, and I almost cursed out loud. Who the fuck was this? Who the fuck does he think he fucking is? Why didn’t I recognize his voice? Why was he telling Phil he loved him? Does Phil love him back? Is Phil going to abandon me? Is he going to move in with this prick?

Distracted by these highly intelligent questions that were currently flooding my mind, I almost missed Phil’s response. My mind went totally blank when I heard him clear his throat, and my blood ran cold. He’s going to say he loves this fucking wanker. I was so bloody sure he’d reply favorably, that I almost verbalized my shock at him doing the complete opposite of that with a “what the actual fuck?”

“I’m sorry, I… um… can’t go out with you,” Phil replied almost silently. He sounded so ashamed, so genuinely sorry that he didn’t feel the same. My heart broke, hearing him like that. Then it regenerated at the speed of light when his rejection fully processed in my mind. He doesn’t love that asswipe back! He’s not going to abandon me! He’s not going to move in with this (since I felt a bit bad for the guy now, slightly less of a) prick! As the joy and relief flooded my system, I, again, nearly missed crucial information passing between the two men.

“I, um, kinda love someone else? I really am truly sorry, but I… I can’t be in a relationship with anyone else right now. I hope you understand,” Phil finally explained himself. I could almost hear the blush in his voice, but all I could think about was the first thing he said. It sounded almost like a question, like he wasn’t sure, or he was afraid to admit it. Those very words would proceed to haunt me for weeks after. I never even thought about who the suitor was, or why Phil never mentioned the encounter to me. I never, not even once, hypothesized that this man, the man that I love, could have ever possibly been talking about me.        

I also never pondered what happened after I ran back into the house, not wanting to be caught. I never heard what the mystery suitor said next.

“Oh… um… I guess I kinda figured… Good luck with Dan, then. Bye, Phil.”

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2016)_

_“And I know, you're gonna be away a while_

_But I've got no plans at all to leave”_

              Three times. So far, in the seven months that we’ve been dating, Phil and I have only be separated for more than a few hours consecutively three times. Yet, that was about to become four times. Phil was heading up north to visit his family, and he was going to be gone for a whole week. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to survive alone in our apartment.

              “You’re certain you’re not forgetting anything? Got your toothbrush? Toothpaste? Hair straightener? I know you can’t live without it,” I fussed over him. He was leaving in twenty minutes, and I felt near death.

              “Jesus, Dan, stop mothering me. I’m going to be fine. Yes, I’ve got everything, including an overly clingy and needy boyfriend,” Phil retorted sarcastically. He laughed a bit, letting me know he was only joking. I scrunched my nose at him, and he stuck his tongue out at me. “Come here,” he beckoned me with open arms. I enveloped myself in the hug and held on as tight as I could. I rested my chin on his shoulder and took a deep breath. He smelled like his fruity bath soap, and I couldn’t imagine a whole week of not smelling him. He pressed a light kiss to my head and ran his hands all over my back, trying to comfort me.

              “I’m really going to miss you, you spoon,” I mumbled into his shoulder. He chuckled slightly at the nickname, and I felt him kiss my head again.

              “I’ll miss you more, bear. Just promise you’ll be here when I get back,” he whispered in my ear. I knew he really meant it, as he reserved that nickname for only our most intimate moments. I felt tears well up in my eyes, but I held them in, not wanting to make Phil feel bad.

              “Of course I will. I could never dream of leaving, love,” I whispered in reply. My voice was shaking. He pulled back and took my face in his hands, proceeding to kiss my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, and then finally, my mouth. We softly kissed for a minute or two, until he drew back. He placed his hand on my cheek, said his goodbyes, got his bags, and then left our home. He looked back just as he walked through the door, and I saw a tear run down his face. That was my undoing. I wouldn’t see him for a whole week.

              I cried myself to sleep every night until he returned. I never told him.

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2010)_

_“And would you take away my hopes and dreams and just stay with me?”_

I couldn’t take it anymore. The stress. The workload. The revising. The drain on my social life. It was too much, and I just wanted to give up. I was doing it. I was going to drop out this instant. But how would I make a living? I only had so many subscribers on Youtube, it’s not like it could pay the bills. Maybe with Phil’s Youtube income as well, we could get by. But what about the future? What if I lose all my fans? What if we lose the apartment? What if we starve?   _What if I lose Phil._ That was the worst scenario by far. Honestly, being homeless sounded a million times better than being without Phil. The questions started filling my mind, endless streams of _what if’s_ and worries about losing Phil. I could feel it coming on. Another existential crisis.

              I wasn’t sure how much time passed when I heard the front door open. _Phil._ Phil would make me feel better. Phil always knows what to do. It hit me at this point that Phil knows what to do because he’s had to deal with me in this state so often. I felt horrible. I was so bloody dependent on him. I was like a leech. I didn’t have job (other than Youtube which doesn’t count), I ate his food, I used his electricity and water, and I constantly burdened him with my problems. He deserves a break. So when he called my name, I didn’t reply. I locked my door, got into my bed, and put my headphones on. I could get through this by myself. I’d be fine.

              “Dan? Are you home?” I heard Phil’s voice call out again. I desperately wanted to cry out for help, but I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t be a burden anymore. I heard him knock on my door, but I ignored it. He must have known I was in here, as he knocked again and then tried the doorknob after no hearing no response. I heard the knob click as it was locked, and then a muffled curse word. I knew it. I was just a nuisance. A pest. A parasite. He was probably so fed up with me. I should probably just pack my things and leave. I was actually about to get up to pack a bag, when I heard a loud thump against the door.

              “What the fuck?” I quietly whispered. I yanked my headphones off my head and listened carefully. I heard a grunt and then another slightly louder thump. Shit. He’s really angry. Another thump. And another one. Finally, the next thump broke the door down. There stood Phil, tears streaming down his face and looking like he just ran a marathon. His face was paler than I’d ever seen it, and he looked absolutely terrified. As soon as he saw me sitting upright on my bed, he let out a loud sigh and the color rushed back into his face as he caught his breath.

              Between labored breaths, Phil managed to get out, “Oh… thank… fuck… you’re okay… I… I thought… you hurt yourself. You… never lock your door… I just… Christ… Dan.” He made his way over to me and collapsed on top of me, holding me in a hug so tight I could barely breathe. Tears were beginning to fall down my face. _He thought I had hurt myself_. He broke down the fucking door because he thought I hurt myself.

              “I’m okay, Phil. Really,” I told him between sobs and hiccoughs. I ran my hands through his hair and gently shushed him, trying to comfort him. He was shaking as violently as my heart was pounding, a result of not only the closeness we currently shared, but mainly from the adrenaline rush because this man literally broke down a door because he thought I was in danger.

              “Dan… do you mind explaining the reason I just broke down your door?” I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at his question, and the ridiculousness of our situation. The door was lying on the floor, surrounding by splinters and paint chips. Phil released me, much to my chagrin, and took a seat right next to me on my bed. He was so close, I could see how red and puffy his eyes were and how splotchy his skin was. My breath caught in my throat at how beautiful he was even in this state.

              I took a moment to compose myself before slowly starting to speak. “I can’t do college anymore. I’m so sorry. I’m such a fuck-up. I’m just a parasite that consumes all your money, and I don’t do shit. And then I complain to you about how much I hate myself and put the burden of that all on you. I’m a shit friend. I should just let you live your life. You deserve the best of this world, and if I’m holding you back, you’ll never get that. You deserve to live out your dreams, and you… you can’t do that if I’m so dependent on you.” I was fiddling with my hands as I spoke, terrified to hear Phil’s inevitable reaction of agreement with my words. I envisioned him saying “no shit” or “thank God you’re finally leaving.” I never expected what he said next.

              “Dan… how could you… you’re not… Look at me.” I looked up and I saw his eyes, welling up with fresh tears for some reason; his mouth, trembling; and his overall expression, one of sorrow, disbelief, and something else I couldn’t quite place. “Good. Dan, I realize you might not believe this, but you are all I ever want in this life. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You want me to be happy and live out my dreams? I can’t do that without you. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and I could never think of you as a parasite. You make money off of Youtube, and I think that if you put even more effort into it, it could really become something. Whatever you or I do in this life, I want it to be together. You might not think it, but I’m fairly dependent on you as well, you spoon.”

              Tears were falling again. My eyes stayed on him the whole time he talked, as hard as it was. All I could do after he finished was fall onto him. He engulfed me in a hug, whispering praises and words of encouragement into my ears. He rubbed his hands through my hair and over my body. He placed a kiss on the top of my head, and, at the time, it could have just been a friendly gesture of comfort. But this and his words were my breaking point. The levee broke. I knew just how _fucked_ I really was.

 

 **_(Phil’s POV)_ ** _(2012)_

_“All my senses come to life_

_While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I_

_Have ever been and I'll never leave again_

_'Cause you are the only one”_

This was a mistake. It was two in the morning, and I had no means of getting home. I was plastered and without money. How exactly did I get in this situation, you may ask? Well.

              Hours earlier, I was in the lounge playing video games with Dan. There was an air of awkwardness in the room, as there had been since the infamous prank video that shall not be named got leaked on Youtube. Dan had been distant, and kind of a dick nozzle (excuse the language). He didn’t touch me nearly as often as he used to, and whenever we made eye contact, he immediately looked away and wouldn’t speak to me for minutes afterwards. I was exhausted of it, emotionally and physically. I just wanted things to be the way they used to be.

              After a few minutes into the game, an impossibly proportioned and scantily clad female character appeared on screen. I instantly scoffed and made a comment on how misogynistic the game was. However, Dan, being in his “fyi I like vagina” stage, turned to me with a bewildered look on his face.

              “Are you fuckin’ kidding me? How gay do you have to be to say something like that? She’s hot! It’s just a bloody video game. Don’t get your panties in a twist,” Dan snarled at me. I scoffed again and turned to face him.

              “Oh, so me thinking women should be treated and respected as people makes me gay? What logic did you even use to get to that conclusion? And why’re you saying that like it’s a bad thing to be gay? What the hell’s wrong with you, Dan?” Except, I knew what was wrong with him. He was still embarrassed about the video. About the phans. I understood, but did he really need to be such a prick (again sorry for the language) to me?

              “Oh my fucking god! What’s wrong with me?! What’s that supposed to mean? At least I’m not gay!” Dan was yelling now, and he was only getting angrier. I needed to diffuse the argument before it escalated to a fight.

              “I never said you were…” I began, but Dan interrupted me.

              “You’re the fuck up! You’re the one who doesn’t know how to run a fucking Youtube account and made that fucking video in the first place! You’re the reason everyone thinks we’re a thing! As if! Do you know how homophobic my family is?! And now they think I’m gay. All thanks to you, you utter piece of shit. Fuck you,” Dan screamed and then stormed off to his room. I froze to the spot, shaking with anger and tears. His words really stuck with me. _Fuck up. Utter piece of shit._ He was right. It’s my fault. And apparently his family was lashing out against him. He never even told me. I needed a drink. I left the apartment, only to realize I left my wallet and phone behind. I found several pounds in my jeans so I just continued walking until I found a bar.

              If I had gone back up, I would’ve found a crying Dan desperately looking for me in order to make amends and instead finding an empty room.

              So here we are. Stumbling back home, piss drunk. And yet, still, all I can think about is Dan. Even with the way he’s been lately, I still love him. He hasn’t changed, he’s just hiding under that mask. I know it. Besides, it’s not like I could ever just stop loving him. I finally managed to wobble and hobble my way up to our door, when I realized I had left my keys as well. I felt like I was going to pass out, and I really didn’t want to stay out here drunk out of my mind and vulnerable. I rang the doorbell, praying Dan might hear. No less than a minute later, a freaking out Dan opened the door and let me in.

              I expected him to still be pissed and to get even madder when he saw I was drunk. But, oddly enough, he was crying. Silent tears were spilling out of his eyes, and he just looked _so_ sad, but I didn’t understand why. He took my hand and starting leading me upstairs to our flat. He apologized almost a million times and spoke of his fear of coming out and his fear of letting down his father and his fear of being a disappointment and his fear of losing me and his fear of me leaving again and his fear of me not loving him back. He spoke of all these things as he led me to my room and laid me down. He took off my shoes and tucked me in, whispering sweet nothings of love and care. I was so happy even though I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what was going on. But I knew, in the center of my alcohol-ridden brain, that this would change things.

              Or at least, it should have. I woke up the next day with no recollection of anything after I entered the bar. Dan acted weird the next day and wouldn’t tell me why. Nothing changed.

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2008-2009)_

_“And all my friends have gone to find_

_Another place to let their hearts collide_

_Just promise me, you'll never leave again_

_'Cause you are the only one”_

              Being the loner of the school, I was home alone on a Friday night. I decided to spend it wasting my time on Youtube rather than wallowing in self-loathing and self-pity. Somewhere in between all the cat videos and Smosh videos, I stumbled across an account that I’d never seen before: _AmazingPhil._

Intrigued, I clicked on the first video of his that I saw. I was immediately entranced by his unnaturally attractive face. His jaw line. His cheek bones. And of course _his eyes._ They were the most gorgeous shade of blue I’d ever seen, and my stomach did flips whenever he looked directly at the camera. It was as if he was looking into my very being. Studying me. I stayed up the whole night watching every single video he’d ever uploaded, and the butterflies and flips only got worse with each one.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I discovered all his social media outlets and spent unhealthy amounts of time trying to make him notice me. Being the unfortunate meme trash and weeaboo that I am, the words “notice me, senpai” crossed my mind every time I tweeted him. About a month had passed, and I was starting to lose hope. He’d never notice me. Then came the Friday that my life changed forever.

After another shitty day at school, I collapsed onto my bed and opened my laptop. I checked twitter to see if AmazingPhil had tweeted while I was at school. He had indeed sent out a few tweets throughout the day. However, my eyes were instantly drawn to the person he’d directed the latest tweet to. _@danisnotonfire._ My heart nearly burst with excitement as I committed his words to memory. I replied to him, and soon enough we began direct messaging each other.

I spent the next few months skyping, texting, and tweeting Phil. We had so much in common – same music taste, same anime taste, same everything taste. I thought my life couldn’t get any better, but that’s when he suggested we meet in person. Paying for the tickets was the easiest decision I’d ever made, and before I knew it, I was pulling into the Manchester station.

On camera, he looked drop-dead gorgeous. In person, he looked nearly ethereal. Our first hug was the best hug I’d ever gotten. He smelled amazing. He felt amazing. His voice was amazing. He was amazing.

I still consider the first week with Phil to be one of the best weeks of my entire life. He told me he never really felt needed by anyone until I showed up. I told him how all my friends left me, and how I never had a best friend. After a teary-eyed hug, we agreed to be each other’s best friend. We promised to always love each other and to never leave each other.

When I had to go back home, we both cried, and Phil made me swear to call him as soon as I was back. I cried for the rest of the day, already missing him. But the next day, I remembered our promise, and I had a stupid grin on my face for a whole week. I didn’t need my old ‘friends’ who left me. All I needed was Phil. And that was fine with me.

 

 **_(Phil’s POV)_ ** _(2019)_

_“Take my hand and my_

_Heart and soul, I will_

_Only have these eyes for you”_

Today was the day. No turning back. I swore I’d do it today. The small box in my pocket felt like it weighed a million pounds. Just thinking about it made me want to throw the source of all my anxiety into the ocean.

              I don’t know why I was so nervous. I mean, this was Dan. It’s not like he’d flat out reject me. Would he? No. Dan loves me. He’ll say yes. There’s no reason for him not to. Unless he doesn’t want the commitment. Or maybe he’s been lying this whole time, and he doesn’t actually have feelings for me. Maybe this was all some sick joke to him. What if he laughs at me? What if he’s met another guy? Or girl? He’s going to reject me. I know it.

              I was ripped out of my thoughts by the sound of my name coming from the bathroom. Dan and I were currently in a hotel in Tokyo. This was our third trip to Japan, and I planned it specifically just so I could finally propose to my boyfriend of four years. Japan was his favorite place in the whole world, and I needed this to be perfect. It had to be. We were going out to his favorite sushi place from our last trip here. It was fairly snazzy, so we were wearing suits. After dinner, I was going to take him to the park and propose to him under the fireworks and cherry blossom trees. As I remembered the whole proposal thing, my blood ran cold again. About to delve back into the possible negative outcomes of tonight, I heard Dan’s voice again.

              “Phil, can you please get off your bum and come in here? I need some help with my tie.” Right. Dan had called me. I got up and headed towards the bathroom door, which Dan proceeded to open. Unable to stop myself, I audibly gasped when my eyes found Dan in a very well-fitting suit. I’ve known and loved him for almost ten years, but he still took my breath away.

              Dan brightly smiled at my gasp, and I caught his eyes roaming up and down my own suited body. “You look really sexy in that, love,” Dan complimented. I felt my cheeks heat up and knew I must be red all over from Dan’s laugh that followed.

              “Shut up, or I won’t help you,” I pouted. Dan gave one last snort and then handed me the tie he had failed to put on. As I wrapped the fabric around Dan’s neck, he quickly pecked my lips and then smiled at me. I felt myself blush yet again. This was ridiculous. Four bloody years, and he still made me a total mess with next to no effort. I was already planning my revenge for tonight, assuming everything goes to plan.

              The close proximity we shared as I elaborately tied his tie left a kind of tension in the air. Neither of us spoke – the only sounds being the rustling of fabrics. Dan was staring at me with a very familiar look that always got my heart fluttering. It was filled with joy, adoration, and absolute love. I was only able to identify the last emotion in it after we finally got together. I noticed another emotion, one that was somewhat hidden behind the others that were so openly on display for me. If I was more naïve, I’d assume it was nervousness. He had no reason to be nervous, so I just shrugged it off.

He had a small smile tugging up at his lips as he looked at me. I knew I must look like a total dork with how concentrated I was on his tie, and he was probably thinking something along the lines of “what a spoon.” After what felt like ages, I finished his tie. I stayed close to him though. My eyes flickered between his chocolatey eyes and his pink lips. I watched his eyes make the same movement on my face, so I leaned in for a kiss. Our lips met tentatively and gently. Dan licked my bottom lip, as if asking permission to deepen the kiss. I was about to open up my mouth when my phone buzzed, letting me know our reservation at the restaurant was in fifteen minutes. Reluctantly, I pulled away from Dan, and I heard him groan.

“Come on, we’re going to be late, Dan.” I held out my hand to him, and he took it. We left the hotel room hand in hand and walked to the restaurant. The waiter sat us at a table outside, as the weather was incredible. Unfortunately, since we were in Tokyo, we couldn’t see very many stars for all the neon lights. It was beautiful nonetheless, and the moon light definitely set the mood.

We spent dinner chatting about the people around us and making up stories about them, a tradition we’ve partaken in for years. We were almost constantly laughing and holding hands across the table. As the night progressed, my heart started beating faster and faster, anticipating the events after dinner. My hands were even sweating just a bit. The weird thing was that Dan was looking more and more on edge as well. His hands were definitely sweaty, and he was fidgeting more than usual.

“You alright, bear?” I asked him. He looked up at me like a deer caught in headlights, as if he didn’t want me to think anything was wrong.

“Y… yeah… I’m totally fine. Don’t worry,” he stuttered. He gave my hand a little squeeze and flashed a small but reassuring smile.

After we paid the bill, we went to the park while holding hands again. The fireworks were just beginning as we climbed onto a hill away from all the people. I looked over and saw a wide grin on Dan’s face illuminated by the fireworks. It was now or never.

“Dan…” I began.

“Yeah, love?” he replied as he turned to face me.

“I need to talk to you about something,” I answered. I could feel a lump forming in my throat and knew I had to do this soon, or I might break down into tears. At my words, Dan’s eyes widened, and I thought I saw him gulp.

“I actually wanted to talk to you, too… but… you go first, love.” Dan’s voice shook a little as he spoke.  

My heart felt as if it would jump out of my throat, but I had to do it now. I took both of his hands in mine and looked into his eyes. Again, the unknown emotion was in his eyes. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I swallowed, and Dan squeezed my hands to encourage me to continue. I took another deep breath, and this time my mouth allowed me to speak.

“Daniel James Howell, I’ve loved you for ten years. There have been many important advances in our relationship over the course of that time period. The first time we tweeted each other. The first time we skyped. The first time we met in person. The first time we hugged. The first time we made a video together. The first time someone mistook us for a couple. The first time someone shipped us. The first time we held hands. The first time we shared a bed. The first time we went on vacation together. The first time we hosted the radio show. The first time I discovered you felt the same way as I did. The first time we kissed. The first time we had sex. The first time we said ‘I love you.’ The first time we went on a date. The first time we had to hide from fans. At the time of each one of these moments, I thought my life couldn’t get any better. But then you’d go and surprise me and give me another best moment of my life. Now, it’s my turn to return the favor.”

As I was speaking, Dan’s face became unfathomable. I had no idea what was going through is mind. Probably “holy fucking shit.” I didn’t have time to think, though. I let go of his hands and got down on one knee, pulling out the small box from my pocket. I opened up the box, and looked directly into Dan’s eyes, which were filling with tears (hopefully happy ones).

“Dan, my love, will you give me the honor of being your husband?” I looked up at him, full of hope and love. The tears finally fell from his eyes, but he remained silent. As the seconds passed, I grew more and more anxious. He was going to reject me. He never loved me. Goodbye, Dan. I’ll always love you.

“Oh my fucking God,” Dan suddenly exclaimed with a chuckle. My heart instantly shattered. He was rejecting me. He was laughing at me. I looked down at the ground, ready to just shrivel up and die, when I heard his voice again. “Phil… look at me.” I reluctantly did as he asked. I expected to see hatred in his eyes, but I found the complete opposite instead. It was the look. The one of love and joy and adoration, but now I could see relief as well. Immense relief. And also humor.

I was about to ask him what was going on when he reached into his own pocket and pulled out a small box that was nearly identical to the one in my hand. The pieces finally clicked in my brain, and I began to laugh as well.

“This could literally only happen to us,” Dan said between quiet laughs. He pulled me up onto my feet and into a hug. “Of course I’ll marry you, you spoon. But only if you’ll marry me, too.”

His words made me grin so largely that my face ached. We separated so that we could put on the rings that we got for each other. They were practically identical. Of course we would both decide to propose at the same exact time with almost the same exact ring. Of fucking course.

That night, I showed him exactly how much I wanted to marry him. I figured it was pretty convincing, as he could hardly walk the next day.

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2012)_

_“And you know, everything changes but_

_We'll be strangers if we see this through”_

              It was late on a Thursday night. The wind was howling, signaling another October wind storm. 2013 was just around the corner, and I couldn’t wait for a new year. This one had sucked ass. Between the crazed shippers and the horrible strain it had put on Phil’s and my friendship, that goddamn video had nearly ruined my life.

              Before I could get in another bitchy mood, I turned on the Wii and started a game of Mario Kart. I was seconds away from claiming first place on Rainbow Road when Phil walked in.

              “Hey, Dan, can we talk for a sec?” he started. Taken by surprise, I jumped up and effectively sent Yoshi into the dark abyss of death in Rainbow Road.

              “For fucks sake, Phil! I was in first place! You just have to go and ruin everything don’t you.” The last sentence came out as more of a statement rather than a question. I said it out of frustration but immediately regretted it when I saw the familiar hurt flash across Phil’s face. His eyes welled up a bit, and he swallowed before standing up a bit straighter. I was about to apologize and say I hadn’t meant it, when he began speaking.

              “I know. I ruin everything. You’ve told me millions of times. It’s always all my fucking fault, isn’t it? You’re never the one to blame, just me. Because you’re so bloody perfect. Well you know what, Dan? You’re not. You’re not fucking perfect. You fucked up just as much as I have, and you’ve been treating me as well as the fans like pieces of shit. I’m so fucking tired of you blaming all our problems on just me,” Phil replied angrily. I could tell how furious he was just based on the fact he was cursing.

              We’ve had several fights and arguments over the past few months. But it was always me that initiated it, and he rarely made any retorts. His increasing anger was a bit frightening, and I knew I had to calm him down before this escalated into one of _those_ fights. The kind where we didn’t speak, didn’t make eye contact, and didn’t spend more than a few minutes in each other’s presence for at least a week.

              “Phil, please listen,” I began. I wasn’t sure what to say. I knew what he’d said was all true. I had been a massive dick to him and our fans. Recently, I’d realized that I really didn’t give a shit what people said about us anymore. All I wanted was Phil, whether as a friend or more. I just had no clue how to tell him this or how to make things normal again. But before I could even try to continue, Phil spoke again.

              “No. I’m tired of listening to you. I don’t want to hear your excuses, or your insults anymore.” His voice was shaking a little, and he took a second to gather himself. After a second, he went on in a slightly softer voice. “Dan, I came to tell you that I’ve been thinking about moving out.”

              I swear my heart stopped beating after he finished. My breath caught in my throat, and I felt the urge to puke. Move out? Maybe earlier in the year, that would’ve sounded like a great idea to me. But now? Now, it sounded a lot more like a living hell. How could I live without him? He was my best friend in the whole world. How could he even think moving out was a good idea?

 Oh right. Because I’m such a fucking idiot that’s never told him how much I care about him. After that night that he came back hammered drunk, and I revealed how I felt, and then he woke up the next day with no memory, I kind of shut down. I was embarrassed beyond belief, and I thought there was no point in trying to really talk to him anymore. My brain was working so fast in overdrive that I nearly yelped in surprise when he started talking again, remembering exactly what was happening.

“I don’t think you know how much the past few months have hurt me, Dan.” Trust me, Phil, I know! How could he think I didn’t know?! “You were my best friend in the whole world, and well, I thought I was yours.” You were mine, too! Wait, _were_? What’s that supposed to mean? “I just think, maybe it’s best if we… you know… go our separate ways.” His voice got really quiet at the end. _Go our separate ways._ No no no no no no no no no no no fuck shit no. That is a shit idea, Phil.

I wanted to reply so badly. To tell him he’s bloody wrong. That we can fix this. That we can still be best friends. But my voice wouldn’t work. I just stood there dumbly, my mouth opening and closing, trying to function. But no sound would come out.

“I’ve packed a bag. I’m gonna spend the night at a hotel. Tomorrow, we can work out all the details. I just… I can’t stay here anymore. I’ll finally get out of your hair.” He was speaking so casually, as if his world wasn’t falling apart like mine was. I wanted to cry. To bawl my eyes out. To scream. To run away. But I couldn’t move an inch. I was frozen to the spot, feeling like reality was shattering around me.

He turned around and went back into his bedroom, probably to grab his bag. As soon as he was out of sight, I let out a shaky breath. This was real. He was leaving. My best friend. My metaphorical brother. The most important man in my life. My soulmate. The love of my life. He was just leaving. He’d be gone in minutes, and I’d probably never see him again. Maybe we’d awkwardly acknowledge each other at Youtube events. Or maybe we’d pretend we didn’t see each other, to save ourselves from the encounter.

The next thing I knew, Phil was back with his things. He’d put on a coat, as it was quite chilly outside. He had a backpack loosely slung over his shoulder, and he was slightly hunched over.

“So um… I guess this is it,” Phil managed to choke out. I managed to meet his eyes, and instantly regretted it. They were red and puffy, and tears were silently falling down his face. I’d never seen him so broken, so vulnerable. I desperately wanted to wipe his tears away, hold him close, and tell him how much I loved him and that it was going to be okay. But it wasn’t going to be okay. He was leaving me, and I couldn’t do anything about it. I was still frozen on the couch. Still unable to physically do anything.

“Aren’t you gonna… I don’t know, say something?” he asked. I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to say something so badly. But I couldn’t. The tears were rolling down his face even faster now.

“I want you to know, Dan, before I go, that I have always… and will always… truly and completely…” he started. I imagined for a second that he was about to confess, from the way he was hesitating. Yet of course, I was just being naïve. “Uh... consider you the best friend I will ever have.”

With that sentence, he walked out the door, shutting it behind himself. I heard him walk down the steps and then nothing. It was only then that my body decided to work again. The tears that were currently burning behind my eyes broke past the dam and spilled over. With hot tears now streaming down my face, I registered that the Mario Kart music was still playing in the background. I had gotten last place.

I noticed the wind still howling outside. Nothing had changed. The world hadn’t ended. And yet, everything had changed, and my world would never be the same. He was gone. In that moment, I knew I’d never see him again. He’d make sure of it. My breath quickened, and I could feel an anxiety attack coming on. In just ten minutes, the years of friendship we shared turned to dust, and we were strangers.

Through the tears blurring my vision, I noticed something on the floor. I wiped away the offending water that was clouding my eyes and saw that it was Phil’s wallet. Of course. He must’ve dropped it on his way out the door. There was no way he’d be able to get a hotel room with no money. Even though I was in my pajama trousers, a thin t-shirt, and without anything covering my feet, I nearly bounded out the door with his wallet, set on giving it to him.

As I ran through the London streets looking for Phil, memories began playing through my mind. His scent. He always smelled like his dumb fruity shower gel. He smelled like happiness. Then I remembered his taste. We’d kissed only once before, and it was during a drunk game of spin the bottle back in 2010. Yet I remembered it like it was yesterday. He tasted like some pomegranate drink with vodka in it, but there were faint traces of something that could only be described as _Phil._ Next came how he felt. He had the softest skin. It was always warm when I was cold, and hot when I was cold. It always complemented me perfectly. After that came the memory of the sound of him. His adorable voice that occasionally slipped back into its northern mode. It was deep and rough, but also so sweet and caring. And finally, the sight of him. His pale skin that so beautifully contrasted with his pitch black hair. His tall, lean frame that still had several defined muscles. And of course, his eyes. The mix of blue and green with mixed in golden specks.

It was in this moment that I missed him more than I had ever missed him before, even more than before we lived together. I missed the old him. The one from before the awful video got leaked. The one that I hadn’t ruined yet with my horrible insecurities. I’d never felt so alone. I was so enveloped by my sadness and loneliness, I didn’t see the body right in front of me until I collided with it. We fell onto the ground, and I immediately sputtered unintelligible strings of “shit” and “fuck.” I had landed right on top of what I presumed was a man. I propped myself onto my hands so I wasn’t crushing him anymore.

I managed to choke out an apology without taking a single breath. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going I was in a rush and I’m really sorry please tell me you’re okay I’m just a mess right now and oh… shit…” The man had managed to turn himself over on his back so that he was looking at me. It was Phil. My heart broke for probably the millionth time that night when I saw that he was still crying.

“You uh… you left your wallet at home.” _Home._ It wasn’t home anymore. Phil had left. Tears began spilling out my eyes again, and I watched them fall onto his face. If I didn’t say anything else, this would really be the last time we would see each other.

“Actually… that’s more of an excuse to justify me running out to find you. Phil… please… don’t leave me. I can’t… I can’t live without you. Please come back home. We can fix this… I… I know we can. That is… if you want to fix it, too.” I mentally patted myself on the back for not chickening out before finally telling him.

“Dan… it’d be embarrassing if you knew how much I was secretly hoping you’d do this and say that to me,” Phil replied with a small smile and a faint tint on his cheeks that could’ve just been from the cold.

“You were really hoping I’d crash into you and nearly kill you?” I managed to say with a smirk breaking onto my face. At this point, my brain registered that I was nearly lying on top of Phil in the middle of a freezing cold night in public, and I wasn’t even wearing shoes. I started shivering, and of course Phil noticed.

“Did you really run all this way in your PJ’s?” He grinned a bit before pulling me into a hug, holding me against his chest. After a moment he asked, “Is this okay?”

“Yes, it’s okay, you spoon.” I was so emotionally exhausted that tears once again welled up in my eyes. I mumbled into his chest, “I’m so sorry, Phil. I’ve been a really shit friend, and you’re right. I’ve treated you and our fans like shit. But, please, please give me another chance. I won’t let you down. I need you in my life, and I’ll do anything for you. Just, please, don’t leave me.” I knew I was practically begging, but I was so desperate to make amends that I really didn’t care.

 “You don’t have to do anything. Except maybe get off me. It’s a bit chilly and we should probably get home. Together.” He smiled at me again, and I reluctantly did as he asked and got up. Before I could stop him, he took off his coat and put it on me. I grumbled a bit, but he wouldn’t listen.

We started walking back to the apartment, when a wave of courage washed over me, and I shyly linked our hands together and rested my head against his shoulder. I couldn’t see his reaction, but from the way he squeezed my hand and subtly nuzzled his head into mine, I concluded he was more than okay with it. If I had seen his face, I would’ve seen it was the shade of a tomato, and he had a massive grin plastered onto it.

Once we got to the flat, we hugged one final time before heading to bed. Coincidentally, I was too cold to sleep alone, so I snuck into his room to find warmth. I woke up the next day, enveloped in his arms, and I smiled to myself. Next year was going to be amazing.

 

 **_(Phil’s POV)_ ** _(2016)_

_“You could stay within these walls and bleed_

_Or just stay with me_

_Oh lord, now”_

              ”Dan, please come out of there. I want to help, bear,” I pleaded. Dan had locked himself in the bathroom about twenty minutes ago. I had no clue what was up with him, but I knew it was serious from the way he’d abruptly excused himself from our anime binge earlier.

              “I’m fine, love. Just… just a tummy-ache. That’s all. I’ll be alright,” Dan shakily replied. He sniffled a bit, and I knew in my heart that he wasn’t telling the truth.

              “Look, you don’t have to let me in, but please talk to me. Tell me what’s bothering you, bear.” I heard him pacing around with the occasional sniffle. He sighed a few times, as if debating whether or not to talk to me. Honestly, I knew exactly what was bothering him. He’s always had problems with his appearance, and the sarcastic remarks of the fans, while meant lovingly, sometimes really got to him. After a few moments of silence, I opened my mouth to speak again, but he interrupted me.

              “I’ve gained weight. I’m pudgy. And my eyes are poo brown. My hair never looks quite right. And then there’s that awful random patch of red I randomly get on my face. The ever-present bags under my eyes. And don’t get me started on my stupid smile and my stupid teeth. It’s all just… shit. I’m just shit. And you deserve so much better. Hell, you deserve every single good-looking guy out there… You don’t deserve average old me.” Dan’s voice became shakier with every word, and he hiccupped a few times indicating that he was indeed crying.

              By this point, I was crying as well. How could he think this? How could he ever think that he wasn’t the most gorgeous human being ever created? And how could he think that I deserved anyone besides him? I was _lucky_ to have him! And he needed to know this.

              I gathered myself as best as I could, and knocked on the bathroom door again.

              “Dan? Are you listening?” I inquired.

              “Yeah, it’s not like I have anywhere to go,” Dan joked.

              “Bear, do you want to know why I fell in love with you? It wasn’t because you’re literally the hottest man I’ve ever met, although that is an added bonus. It wasn’t because your cinnamon eyes are the deepest brown I’ve ever seen or because they make me feel safe and at home. It wasn’t because your hair is the softest I’ve ever run my fingers through. It wasn’t because your gorgeous smile can make even my worst days brighter. I fell in love with you because of how passionate you are. I fell in love with your dorkiness, your endearing awkwardness, and the fact that you put up with me. You are the most genuinely sweet and caring man that I have ever met, and I will love you for all eternity, even when we’re old and grey. You never needed to be physically perfect for me to love you because that’s not what love is about. But believe me when I say this, you are seriously really damn hot, and I love every single imperfection about you as they are what make you, well, you.” After I finished my little speech, Dan was quiet for a few minutes, but I could tell he’d stopped crying.

              After a couple minutes, the door opened, and Dan fell into my arms, burying his face into my chest.

              “I love you so much, you fucking sap,” Dan said with a grin, pulling away to look at me. He still had a few tears on his face, so I wiped them away with my sleeve. Dan giggled a little, and placed a light kiss on my lips. My face broke out into a grin as well, and he pulled me in for another hug.

              We stood like that for about five minutes straight. I rubbed circles into his back, reassuring him that I had meant everything I said.

              After a little, I heard him mumble, “Thank you, love. And also… ditto on all of that.”

              I smiled again, and just nuzzled him closer, enjoying the affection.

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2015)_

 _“All my senses come to life_  
While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I  
Have ever been and I'll never leave again  
'Cause you are the only one”

Sometimes I wondered why I still pretend. Why I don’t just tell him how I feel. I want to scream it from the rooftops. Even if he doesn’t feel the same way. I just need him to know.

              But then I remember that I am not the only one concerned with the state of our relationship. Millions of fangirls out there spend the majority of their time analyzing ever second of footage of Phil and I out there. And, even though they insist we’re already together, they’d be the first to notice if something was different between us. And then I’d never get time alone with him. It’d never be just me and him. There would always be the invasion of our privacy, and that’s not something I think I could handle.

              So I still pretend. I still pretend that I’m not drowning in his eyes every time they pierce through mine. I still pretend that every light touch doesn’t send electricity through my body. But, it’s literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And that’s why I’m here right now.

              I was in a club, catching up with the few real friends I had in school. In all honesty, I didn’t really care about reminiscing the ‘good old days.’ I would’ve declined, but they mentioned alcohol, so I took it as an opportunity to get wasted without suspicion.

              We were currently talking about a certain teacher that we’d all had crushes on. We were sitting in a booth in the corner of the club I was on my fourth drink, and the room was slowly beginning to fall out of balance. The flashing lights seemed to blind me, and I couldn’t really follow the conversation anymore.

              Just as I was about to excuse myself to get another drink, a tall man approached our table.

              “Hey baby, wanna dance?” he said, addressing me. I could tell he was fairly drunk as well by the way his voice was slurring and by his brazen confidence. He put one hand on my shoulder and held the other out to me, and just as I was about to refuse his offer, I saw his eyes. They were the most brilliant blue I’d ever seen, well, after Phil’s. My rejection caught in my throat as I took in the rest of his features.

              He had pale skin, almost as white as paper, and it looked nearly translucent. His hair was black as night, except it appeared natural as his eyebrows were black too. And of course there were his eyes. They were such a deep blue, yet they were missing something. They didn’t have Phil’s splashes of green or his golden specks. But, my alcohol-ridden brain couldn’t care less. It was close enough.                           

              I took the stranger’s hand, my friends completely forgotten behind me. I heard them catcall and whistle, but I ignored it. The man led me out to the dancefloor, where he placed his hands on my hips and brought me flush against his chest. I felt his hot breath on my mouth and could almost taste the whisky he had been drinking.

              “Name’s Jackson, by the way. Yours?” He was nearly yelling over the pounding bass that filled the club. He stared into my eyes, and I almost forgot to reply.

              “Dan.” I kept it short and simple.

              A smirk grew on his face, and I felt his hands start moving away from their place on my hips. Suddenly, I felt him grab my ass, and I yelped a bit in surprise. He chuckled at that, and returned his wandering hands back to their original location.

              “A bit jumpy are we, Dan? Relax, babe. I won’t hurt you. I don’t wanna scare you off.” He chuckled again, and then I saw him leaning in. I decided why the hell not, and went for it.

              We went straight to making out, skipping the tentativeness. It was as if we both were trying to forget someone. His tongue was roughly exploring my mouth, while his hands did the same thing on my lower half. He grabbed my ass again, but kept his hands there this time. With a stroke of confidence, I moved my hands lower on him as well, mirroring his movements.

              The kiss tasted of alcohol and mistake. It was perfect for about thirty seconds, but then it started getting sour. I didn’t want this. This wasn’t right. It was missing something. Something _very_ important. It was missing _Phil._ I immediately let go of Jackson and gently pushed him away.

              “I… I’m sorry. I just… I can’t. I’m really, truly sorry. I… uh… I need to go,” I hurriedly explained. His face was a mixture of surprise, slight hurt, but understanding as well.

              “It’s fine… I get it. Good luck with him,” he replied. He nodded at me, and I gave him a small smile before running off through the crowd, heading towards the door. I didn’t even bother telling my friends that I was leaving, as they probably assumed I’d be going home with that guy.

              I burst out through the club door, and instantly took a deep breath, relishing the fresh and open air. The chill sobered my mind slightly, and the apartment was only a few blocks away, so I decided to walk home instead of getting a cab in order to save money.

Well, more like stumble. It seems I’d overestimated my ability to hold my alcohol. I nearly tripped over myself trying to get home as quickly as possible. I needed to see Phil. I needed to tell him. It was time.

As I finally found our front door, I fumbled with the keys and almost dropped them in the process. I managed to open the door and made my way to our apartment. Once I finally climbed all the steps and succeeded in opening our door after the sixth attempt, I called out for Phil.

“Phiiiiilllll? Where are you? I need to… to speak with you.” After I got no answer, I realized it was nearly two in the morning, and Phil was most likely asleep. I tiptoed to his bedroom door and slowly opened it, trying to be silent.

I saw his sleeping form curled up in the covers, and failed to stop the audible ‘aww’ that escaped my lips. He shuffled a bit in his sleep, and I clapped a hand over my mouth, silently cursing myself for making noise. I tiptoed to his bed and sat down next to him.

His fringe was falling in his face, so I delicately put it behind his ear. He was quietly snoring, and his mouth was parted slightly. The cause of my next course of action could either be attributed to how damn adorable he looked at the moment or the still tipsy state I was in. Whatever it was, I decided to lightly peck his forehead.

I sat back up and smiled down at him. Since he hadn’t moved a bit, I decided to get something off my chest.

“I think I’m in love with you, and it terrifies me. All I know is that you are the only one for me, but I don’t know if I can do this,” I whispered, almost inaudibly. If it hadn’t been so dark, I would’ve been able to see the light blush that presently colored his cheeks.

I decided I should probably leave before he wakes up, so I made my way out of his room, sparing one final look back at the man that I loved before quietly shutting his door. I walked to my room and instantly collapsed onto my bed.

However in the room next door, Phil laid wide awake, replaying the events of the last five minutes over and over in his mind, and deciding what to do about them. He had a stupid grin plastered on his face, and his face ached from it.

He repeated only one word several times throughout the rest of that night, however, and it was a rare word for him.

“Shit.”

 

 **_(Phil’s POV)_ ** _(2011)_

 _“And all my friends have gone to find_  
Another place to let their hearts collide  
Just promise me, you'll always be a friend  
'Cause you are the only one”

              I didn’t want to be here. PJ had persuaded Dan and I to a “small gathering” which we begrudgingly agreed to go to, knowing that we’d both hate it. Even worse, the “small gathering” became a mob of people filling PJ’s house, leaving barely any room for air.

              Dan and I had managed to escape the smoke-filled house and were currently sitting on some swings in the nearby park. We weren’t really swinging, more just lazily dangling and gently pushing off of the ground every so often. We had a comfortable silence between us as we often did, but like always, there was a certain tension that neither of us ever spoke about.

              I had long since decided to keep my not-so-platonic feelings a secret from my very platonic best friend and had built up a brick wall around my heart. But every now and then, a small crack appeared in that wall, blurring the lines between platonic and not platonic. Now was one of those times.

              The summer night was warm, but not too warm, and had a calming breeze passing through occasionally. The sun had set a couple hours ago, and the moon was dimly shining down on us. I looked over at Dan and caught his eye. Almost instantaneously, he broke the eye contact and looked at the ground. I could’ve sworn there was a light blush dusting his cheeks, but I decided it was just the darkness playing tricks on my mind.

              “Maybe we should head back,” I heard Dan mumble quietly.

              “Why? It’s not like anyone’s missing us right now. They’re probably too wasted to even notice we left.” I tried to catch his eye again, but he was staring adamantly at the ground. My eyebrows furrowed unconsciously, and I could tell something was off about him.

              “Dan, what’s wrong?” I inquired.

              At this, Dan’s head shot up, and he looked directly into my eyes. “What? I’m fine. One hundred and ten percent _fine.”_ His tone shocked me a bit, and we both knew I didn’t believe him for a second.

              “Oh come on, Dan. I’m not dumb. Something’s bothering you, and I plan to figure out what it is one way or another, so just tell me,” I pushed. We had stopped swinging all together now, and our bodies had turned to face each other.

              I almost didn’t hear his reply, for he was speaking barely above a whisper. “It’s just… I’m confused. I mean, we’re friends, right? Well… have you ever… I don’t know…” His voice trailed off at the end, and he looked down at the ground again.

              “Have I ever what, Dan?” I pursued, gazing straight at him.

              “Have you ever… maybe like thought for a split second… about us being… well, more than friends?” he whispered in response, his gaze boring a hole into the ground. I could definitely see a deep blush on his entire face, and I internally cooed at how adorable he was. But then my mind yanked me back to what he’d just said. I realized my eyes were wide open, and my mouth was gaping. Before I could formulate a response that wouldn’t reveal my not-so-platonic feelings, Dan started sputtering out words.

              “I mean… I personally, you know, haven’t really thought about it and all… and we’re just friends… I was just wondering… Never mind, this was stupid. Forget everything I said. It’s stupid. We’re just _friends. Nothing_ more.” His blush had overtaken every piece of visible skin on the boy, and it looked as if he was about the cry. He was playing with his hands, still staring at the ground, and nervously gnawing at his lip.

              Meanwhile, my heart was racing at a million kilometers per hour. _What does he mean? Why is he asking me this? Does he know how I feel? Oh God, he probably does._ His words replayed over and over again in my mind. _We’re just friends. **Nothing**_ _more._ Have I been rejected? Before I’ve even confessed?

              But then my mind took off in a completely different direction. Maybe he was just deflecting his own feelings. Maybe he was too afraid to tell me directly.

              No, it had to be the former reason. He really has only platonic feelings for me, compared to my not-so-platonic feelings for him. Well, fantastic. Even more reason to further suppress my already suppressed emotions. I realized that I hadn’t said a word during this whole debacle. It was now or never. I could tell him that I have in fact imagined us in a relationship and either get everything I’ve ever wanted in life or lose the best friend I’ve ever had. Or I could lie and safely continue our friendship. Being the coward I am, I regrettably chose the latter.    

              “Nah, I haven’t really thought about it. It’s fine, Dan. We’re _best_ friends. And nothing will ever change that. You’ll always be my _best_ friend.” Each word felt like a dagger stabbing my heart, but I never stopped. I saw a flash of what I thought for a second to be sorrow on Dan’s face, but that obviously couldn’t be accurate. He must just be reassured that I wasn’t totally gay over him.

              “Yeah, best friends,” he mumbled. He gave me a small smile that seemed too fake, and then began slowly swinging again. I eventually did the same, and another silence descended upon us. Yet this one felt different from before. It was a hell of a lot tenser, and was broken several times by a sound I couldn’t quite identify coming from Dan.

              It sounded like a cough or something. He must be getting a cold. He was swinging higher now, so I couldn’t see his face, and the wind was picking up and somewhat masking the noise.

              A few hours, when we were home and lying in our separate beds in our separate bedrooms, I heard the noise again. This time, I recognized it.

              Dan was crying.

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2010)_

_“I'm stumbling off drunk, getting myself lost  
I am so gone, so tell me the way home”_

              It was three in the morning, and I had no clue whatsoever as to where the hell I was or how to get back to my university dorm. The streets of Manchester were almost deserted, inherited only by the random junkie or drunk homeless person. And me.

              I had been at some random party that my friend told me about. It was in a shady as fuck abandoned house, but once I caught sight of booze, I found myself not caring too much about the conditions. The alcohol was obviously stronger than I had thought at first, as the world was practically spinning around me, and I felt like any sudden movement would empty my stomach.

              I had to get the hell out of here, and that was the problem. I literally had no idea how to get home and could barely even stand straight. I couldn’t find anyone that I knew from the party, so I was basically fucked. And being totally vulnerable to any creeper out here was not high on my list of things to do tonight.

              I leaned against an alley wall and slid down to the ground. I felt the world finally slow down, and I let out a long sigh. God, I was so fucked. Would I ever get home? Will I die out here? What if someone mugs me? Or worse? Fuck. What will my family think? What will Phil- Phil. _Phil._ Of course! I laughed a bit at how stupid I was to not think of him earlier.

              All of my college friends had either been at the party and were now gone, or were cramming for exams. I wasn’t close enough to any of them to ask them to pick me up at 3 A.M. even in better circumstances. But Phil would. Phil would do anything for me. He’s told me that many times. So why would this be any different? He might be sleeping, but I knew his phone would wake him up.

              I clumsily pulled my phone out of my pocket. I couldn’t even focus on the screen or any of the numbers, and I silently praised God that I had him on speed dial. As the phone rang, I grew increasingly worried. He’d wake up right? I wouldn’t actually be trapped out here in the middle of nowhere for the rest of the night, right? Shit. He’s not picking up. I’m so fucking fucked.

              On what was probably the last ring before it’d go to voicemail, Phil accepted the call. He’d clearly been asleep from how adorably tired and incredibly sexy his voice sounded. I could almost imagine him squinting at the phone as he received the call, trying to make out the caller ID without putting on his glasses.

              “Ugh… hello…? Who is-,“ he was interrupted by a long yawn. I smiled softly at how cute he must look right now. “Who is this? Do you know what bloody time it is? It’s… three in the morning! What the hell, mate? Who do you think you are?” Phil sounded extremely cute, but I decided to interrupt him.

              “Phil, ‘s… uh… me, Danny,” I stammered out, trying to be as literate as possible in my current state of wasted.

              I pictured Phil instantly sitting up when he heard my voice, and the worried and surprised tone of his reply reinforced this image. “Dan? What’s wrong? Where are you? Are you alright!?”

              “Ye… I’m good, mate… kinda fucked up… everyone’s gone… don’t really… really know how to…” My explanation was cut short when my stomach decided to betray me. I threw up in an old cardboard box next to me, thankfully. Phil obviously heard my retching, and I envisioned him jumping up and grabbing his car keys.

              “Fuck… lemme just…” Phil muttered under his breath. I could hear rustling on his end. He must’ve been putting on a shirt. “Dan, do you know where you are?” he asked.

              I subconsciously nodded, until I realized he couldn’t see me. “Yeah… umm… the address was… um… 283 France Road… I think.”

              “Alright, Dan, stay right where you are, okay? I’ll be there in ten minutes. Just… please be careful. And keep talking to me. Don’t hang up, alright?” Phil responded.

              “Can’t wait, dad.” I drunkenly sniggered at my own little joke and leaned my head back against the wall. Phil most likely rolled his eyes at that. I heard his car start as he started the journey to my location. Phil was coming. I’d be okay. Everything would be okay.

              “Dan, might I ask why exactly you’re drunk off your ass tonight? What’s gotten into you?” Phil inquired. He actually sounded fairly concerned, and I smiled at his caring attitude.

              “Oh, you know me. I went to a fuckin’ wild ass party, bro. Off the hook, mate. Really ace.” I wasn’t 100% sure where the inspiration for my words came from, but they sounded pretty cool at the moment. It made Phil laugh, so I counted it as a win.

              “Right. Of course.” I could hear the smile in his voice, and detected a hint of fondness.

              As it often does, the alcohol was somewhat breaking down the barrier in my brain that determined what I kept inside my head, and I started relieving myself of things I’d wanted to tell Phil. “Hey, Phil? Thanks for, you know, saving my ass. And everything else. It makes me really happy. Like I get this warm, fuzzy feeling in my belly. I don’t even know why. It feels kinda like getting buzzed. I mean, I guess that’s kinda why I’m in this position. I really miss you sometimes, and the fuzziness disappears when you’re gone, so I need to replace it. But then I drink way too fuckin’ much and just feel totally numb. It kinda sucks dick. Hah… I said dick. Dickidy dick dick dick.”

              Phil didn’t say anything for a bit, but my drunk brain honestly didn’t even process the silence. I could hear his breathing pick up a bit and wondered why. After about a minute of nothing, I heard a car pulling up and assumed it was Phil. I heaved myself off the ground, nearly toppling over. The world started spinning again, and I took a second to steady myself.

              I clumsily stepped out of the alley so he could see me. His car stopped in front of me, and he opened the door and got out in order to support me as I was dangerously swaying. He put his arm around me to gain some leverage, and I leaned into the touch. My heart was beating faster, and I felt my face flush. He felt so soft and warm that I just wanted to hug him to pieces.

              “Come on, Dan. You gotta help me at least a little bit.” At his words, I started walking with him towards the passenger side door which he opened. He sat me down in the seat and buckled me, closed the door, and headed back around to the driver’s side. The minute I sat down in his familiar car, I felt totally relaxed and at ease. I was finally safe.

              He sat down and turned on the car before looking over at me. “Dan, look at me.” I did as he asked and attempted to hold his intense gaze. “Are you gonna tell me what this was really all about?”

              I didn’t understand. I thought I already had told him it was because of him? Did he not believe me? I guess not. He probably thought it was too gay, which was probably true. I was way too drunk to think too much about this, so I just shook my head no.

              Phil sighed and put the car into drive. And we were off. We arrived at his house a few minutes later, and he helped me out of the car and into the guest room inside. I pouted at him and told him I wanted to share his bed. He blushed at that, and finally agreed after more of my complaining about loneliness and the cold.

              When we got to his room, I began taking off my clothes. “Whoa, Dan! Wh-what are you doing?” Phil asked in surprised. He was still in his pajamas, as he hadn’t even bothered to change before coming to my rescue.

              “Well, I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually fancy sleeping in skinny jeans.” I continued stripping down with a lot of difficulty until I was only in my boxers.

              “Oh, right. Of course.” Phil was blushing again, and I felt his eyes quickly look me up and down. I was too inebriated to think about what that implied, so I decided to ignore it. I climbed under his covers and let out a long sigh of relief. Phil took off his shirt so he was only in his pajama bottoms and then climbed into bed next to me.

              At first, Phil was literally as far away from me as he could possibly be in the small bed. He couldn’t have been comfortable on the edge of the bed, so I beckoned him closer. “Come here, you doofus.”

              “A-are you sure?” he nervously asked. It was pitch black, but I would bet my life that he was blushing again. Instead of answering, I inched closer to him and snaked my arms around him. He was completely stiff for a minute, but after a little he relaxed. He hesitantly wrapped his own arms around me, and I had never felt more safe or at home. I felt a slight pressure on my head, and realized Phil had kissed me.

              “Goodnight, bear,” he whispered, and I drifted off to sleep.

              I woke up the next morning tangled up with Phil and with a splitting headache. But I’d still rate that morning a ten out of ten, as Phil cared for me and nursed my shitty hangover. The random displays of affection- the small pecks on the forehead, the hugs, the simple touches- were a major bonus too.

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2021)_

_“I listen to sad songs, singing about love_

_And where it goes wrong”_

              It had been two days since I had last seen Phil. Two days without any contact, aside from Chris and PJ being our messengers. I was staying with Chris, and PJ was with Phil. We were in the middle of our very first fight since finally tying the knot. We’d made it a full ten months. I thought that was a pretty impressive honeymoon period.

              It had started over something infinitely small yet extremely embarrassing, of course. Phil had accidentally added a snapchat to his story during sex. Literally. Like, his phone was in his back pocket while I was blowing him on the couch. I had decided to leave his jeans on as I was too hurried to care. Somehow (I literally have no fucking clue how), he managed to capture a video of the current events and post it on his very public story. Of course, nobody could see anything due to the fact that his phone was in his pocket, but _everybody_ could definitely _hear_ what was happening. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what Phil’s moans and the quiet sucking noise meant.

              Of course, I had gotten unreasonably angry over his carelessness. _Technically_ , it was my fault, as I had told him to just leave his jeans on. However, I’m literally the dumbest and most stubborn human being, so I refused to take any blame. The argument gradually escalated into a yelling match. I knew if we took it too far, we might not be able to come back from it. So I left. I told him we should just take a step back and calm down, and then I left for Chris’s.

              And so here we are now. I don’t think I’ve cried this much since our wedding day, but even that was a happy cry. I was devastated. I honestly didn’t realize just how much Phil impacted my every day mood, but it sure was a hell of a lot. I couldn’t find it in me to laugh at any of Chris’s lame attempts to cheer me up, let alone even crack a smile. I felt even worse than I had before I’d met Phil. Even worse than when Law literally eradicated any leftover trace of optimism. Even worse than after that damn Valentine’s Day Video got leaked.

              I seriously never thought I could ever feel worse than I already had at some point in life. But being without Phil who was my husband, the love of my life, and my best friend, was like losing every single sense I had. I was totally numb. All I could feel was loneliness and sorrow.

              I swear I’d listened to every single ‘emo’ and ‘sad’ playlist on Spotify by now. Ed Sheeran was definitely a current favorite, as lame as that sounds. I skipped all of his happier songs, as they honestly hurt more than his sad love songs. They just made me think of what I could be having right at this moment but just didn’t know how to get back.

              Chris had told me millions of times to just _apologize._ But I literally had no idea how. The fans had started noticing something was up, as neither Phil nor I had posted any pictures or tweeted in the past couple days. Chris told me that PJ had told him that Phil wanted to fix things but believed that I should apologize for being too harsh. Honestly I whole-heartedly agreed that I was a total dickhead, but I couldn’t think of any way to win Phil back.

              He deserved so much. He deserved a fucking truckload of roses every day. He deserved the moon and then some. But neither of those things was reasonable, or really even feasible. I tried writing an apology practically billions of times, but the words always seemed to jumble and fail to flow with each other.

              On the third day, Chris told me he was taking me back to the flat to talk to Phil, and that I had no choice. I knew he was right. Enough was enough. When we got there, I genuinely felt a million tons fall off my shoulders. I was _home._ Yet, I wasn’t. Not yet. Phil was my home, and I could only truly be home when I’m with him.

              Chris pushed me on ahead, and I entered our building. I passed by PJ who was coming down the stairs. He wished me luck and left. The walk up to our apartment felt like I was walking to my death. I could see it now. Phil not forgiving me. Phil wanting a divorce after only ten months of marriage. Phil wanting me to leave and never speak to him again.

              I was ripped out of my thoughts when Phil opened our door. I hadn’t realized it, but I’d been standing still in front of the door for probably about five minutes.

              “Well, are you going to come in or not, you fork?” Phil joked. He had a small smirk playing at his lips, and I wanted nothing more than to just kiss it off. But, I knew I had a mission to do before the kissing. It was now or never. He led me into the living room, where he motioned for me to sit.

              “No, I can’t… I need to tell you something.” At this, Phil turned around to look me in the eye and gave me a slight nod, waiting for me to continue. I desperately tried to recall all the things I’d written in my attempts at apology letters. Yet, nothing was coming to me. It was time to just wing it. Besides, it’d be more honest this way, right?

              “Phil, I… ugh fuck it. Look. I’ve spent the past couple days a total fucking mess, okay? I’ve been listening to fucking Ed Sheeran on repeat, and I physically can’t take it anymore. My emo cred is being ruined, and it’s all because I’m a fucking idiot. I’ve literally never hurt so much as I have lately, and I will _literally_ do anything to win you back. I genuinely thought of sending you a truck full of roses, but then I realized that’d be really fucking expensive. Also, where the hell would we put all of those? Anyway… fuck. I’ve lost my train of thought. Basically what I’m trying to say is… Phil… I’m _so_ damn sorry. Seriously. Like I’m losing my mind over how sorry I am. Please forgive me. It wasn’t totally your fault, and I should never, _ever_ yell at you like I did. I know I’m a fuckup, and I understand if you don’t forgive me, but I was kinda really hoping you would, because since this is our first fight as husbands, this could be our first makeup _sex_ as husbands, you know?” I said.

              Tears threatened to spill from Phil’s eyes, and I felt myself fighting back tears as well. His lip was trembling a bit, and my heart was pounding. How was he going to respond? I didn’t have to wait too long to find out, as a second later, he rushed forward and pulled me into a hug. I instantly wrapped my arms around him as well and reveled in his amazing smell that I’d missed so much. I nuzzled my head into his warm, soft hair and pressed kisses to every inch of the top of his head.  I finally let the tears behind my eyes fall, and I could feel his tears on my shoulder.

              We sank to the floor, as our legs were shaking so much from the emotion of the moment. Whispering apologies and expressions of love, we held each other for what felt like an eternity. But I knew, if I was going to spend it at all, I wanted to spend eternity right here, wrapped up in the embrace of my incredible husband.

 

 **_(Phil’s POV)_ ** _(2023)_

_“All my senses come to life_

_While I'm stumbling home as drunk as I_

_Have ever been and I'll never leave again_

_'Cause you are the only one”_

“See you later, guys. And thanks again for calling me. You have my word that Dan will be sure to send a gift basket full of chocolates in apology,” I said to Zoe and Alfie as I practically dragged Dan towards the couple’s front door.

              “Oh, it’s really no problem! I’m just glad you could come and take him home!” Zoe replied, waving goodbye. Alfie opened the door for us and gently patted my back.

              “Good luck with him, mate. He’s _wasted_ ,” Alfie remarked. I gave him a pained smile and sighed. This was going to be a long night. I had gotten a call from Zoe saying that Dan had appeared on the front steps of their new house in London and also happened to be completely plastered. As I walked out the door into the chilly London night, the lump that was currently resting all its body weight on me decided to start speaking.

              “Fff… ‘s cold, Phil.” Dan was slurring his words so badly that I almost couldn’t even understand what he was saying. I wrapped my arm tighter around him, pulling him closer in an attempt to warm him with my body heat.

              “Come on, you idiot. We need to get home.” I prompted him to actually try to walk rather than just stumble along with me, but of course nothing came of it. Thankfully our apartment was only about a twenty minute walk from Zalfie’s London home. However, in the state that Dan was in, it could take us double that. I inwardly groaned at how cold it’s going to get and at the exhausting journey we had ahead of us. I was about to complain when Dan nuzzled his face into my shoulder and then placed a light kiss on my neck.

              “Thanks, Philly. Know I can always count on you.” I turned my head to look at him, and he gave me an adorable smile, his eyes full of love and adoration. I blushed at just how damn cute he was, and he giggled. He then sneakily linked our hands together and stood up a bit straighter, taking some of his weight off me. With his free hand, he brought it up to my face and poked my nose with a ‘boop.’

              “You’re such a dork, bear” I joked fondly. At this, Dan immediately stopped in his tracks and let go of my hand. I turned around to see what the hell happened, and Dan had a look on his face that I hadn’t seen in a long time. His eyes were wide open, and he had a deep blush covering his entire face. His mouth was slightly parted, and I could tell that his lips were quivering. He hadn’t made this face since the first year we knew each other, back when we first met. He looked so young and afraid and vulnerable in this moment, but also so adorable I thought I might die.

              “Y… you called me bear,” he stammered. He gulped, and I could see his chest quickly moving in and out.

              “Yeah… I tend to do that. It’s not the first time, Dan,” I said, skeptical of his surprise. Why was he acting like I’d never done that?

              “Could you… could you say it again?” he muttered. I squinted my eyes in confusion and decided to fulfill his wishes.

              “We should get back home, bear,” I said, motioning the general direction of our apartment. I held my hand out to him and offered him a soft smile. God, he was so out of it. He stared at my hand before hesitantly taking it, his blush still very present. Why did he have to be so cute?

              After a few minutes of cuddling up to each other while walking (me) and stumbling (Dan) in comfortable silence, Dan piped up again.

              “Phil, I… I think… I have a crush on you.” He instantly ducked his head in shame, and I stopped us again.

              “Dan, look at me.” He looked up and his blush was even more intense than before. I could see that his eyes were watery, and his lip was trembling. “Dan, we’re fucking married, you dingbat.” I let go of his hand and held mine up. There was a wedding band on my ring finger, and I waved it in front of his face. Then I grabbed his left hand and held it in front of his face as well. A matching wedding band was on his ring finger, and I showed him that we’d gotten matching inscriptions on them: “ _You are the most fun I’ve ever had.”_

His jaw dropped, and he furiously blinked as if he was trying to make sense of the situation. “Oh… right. Shit. Forgot ‘bout that. Fuck yeah, that’s ace.” His face broke out into a large grin, and he fiddled with his hands. “Does… does that mean I can kiss you?” he quietly murmured, shyly meeting my eyes again. I felt my own grin grow even larger, and I rested my hands on his cheeks.

              “Of course you can, doofus,” I whispered as I leaned in. He mirrored my actions, and our lips met. He hesitated before moving his lips against mine. I then licked across his bottom lip, asking for entrance. He quickly complied, and my tongue slipped into his warm mouth. He tasted of alcohol, but I didn’t mind too much. He snaked his arms around my waist, drawing me closer, and started rubbing small circles into my lower back with his hands. I quietly moaned at the newfound closeness, and I felt him smile into the kiss.

              We stood like that for what felt like ages when the wind started picking up. I reluctantly pulled back from my husband, but Dan leaned back in to give me one last kiss. After finally separating our lips, I rested my forehead against his and just reveled in his absolute beauty, even in his drunken state. He smiled dumbly at me, and I felt little breaths puffing out of his nose. I stared into his chocolatey eyes, dilated from both the alcohol and our steamy exchange, and I felt completely at home.

              “We better head back, bear. It’s getting cold,” I whispered, not wanting to ruin the moment. Dan pouted at me, but I persevered. “Would you rather I leave you all alone in the cold?” He slowly shook his head. “Or would you rather I take you home and run you a nice, hot bath and then cuddle you to sleep?” Dan vigorously nodded his head at this idea. He was a simple man sometimes.

              I stepped back from him and took his hand. He seemed a bit more sober now, but, still wanting to be safe, I made a note in the back of my mind to make him drink a _lot_ of water before drifting off. He stumbled occasionally on our journey, but soon we made it to our apartment in one piece. I led him upstairs, sat him down on the couch, and then started his bath water.

              After making sure it was running at a good temperature, I left the bathroom to find Dan. I didn’t get very far, since as soon as I opened the bathroom door, I nearly ran into him.

              “I missed you, Phil,” he explained before pulling me into a hug. I felt my cheeks blush, and I smiled.

              “Come on, you spoon. The bath’s almost full.”

              We spent the rest of the night curled up on our bed. Dan fell asleep first, and soon his quiet and adorable snores lulled me to sleep as well. This was it. This was what I wanted for the rest of my life. This is what makes me happy. And I’ll never let go of it.     

 

 **_(Dan’s POV)_ ** _(2015) (pre-smut)_

_“And all my friends have gone to find_

_Another place to let their hearts collide_

_Just promise me, you'll always be a friend_

_'Cause you are the only one”_

              “Dan, are you still awake?” Phil called from outside my bedroom door. It was late on a Friday night, and we had nothing to do. We had invited a group of our friends over to hang out, but they had to cancel due to the horrid rain that would not let up outside. However, apparently they all decided to just meet up somewhere else. Without inviting us. Or even telling us.

 I saw all the photos they were posting on Instagram and Twitter, and my stomach turned at each image. I admit, I was a bit upset about it. Phil would call it unreasonable moping, but I had a good reason. I didn’t know why he was so cool about it. Our friends had betrayed us! I felt tears stinging my eyes. Even at twenty-four, I still got extreme friend jealousy.

“Yeah, come in, I guess,” I half-mumbled. I hurriedly wiped any remaining tears from my eyes as he opened the door slowly and peeked his head in to find me curled up in my duvet. The light from my phone was probably reflecting off my face, so he most likely knew how the events of tonight had affected me.

“Dan, are you alright?” he quietly asked as he tiptoed towards my bed, sitting down next to me. From the faint moonlight that was illuminating the room, I could see a look of worry and care through the glasses of my best friend above me. I quickly looked back down at my phone before I blushed.

“’m fine, Phil,” I muttered, still scrolling through Twitter. Phil sighed and gently took my phone from my hands, earning a groan from me.

“You know, I bet they were just worried about us being in the rain. The bar they went to is quite far from here, yet fairly close to each of their homes. I’m certain they didn’t just purposely leave us out because of some silly reason like them just not wanting to hang out with us. They did all initially RSVP to our hangout, right? Would they have planned to come if they didn’t like us?” Phil reasoned, trying to cheer me up.

“I suppose not…” I reluctantly gave in. Phil never failed to make me see the bright side of things. He was always so optimistic which was a welcome change to my normally pessimistic view on life. He saw the best in people, including myself. And he would never leave me out of anything if he could help it. Ever.

A couple seconds of comfortable silence passed before Phil broke it. “You’ll always have me, at least.” He’d said it so quietly, I thought he hadn’t meant to say it out loud. I looked up at him, only to see him fully register that he’d said that out loud. His eyes widened a bit, and his mouth hung slightly agape. I sat up a little to reach his eye level.

“Do you really mean that?” I asked, somewhat shyly. I was surprised at how soft and small my voice sounded as I spoke.

It was almost as if a wave a confidence washed over Phil. He caught my gaze and sat up straighter. He took a small breath before replying. “Yes. I do. Whole-heartedly and honestly. I will always be there for you, Dan Howell. To the day I die.” He faltered a bit after his confession, but I hardly noticed. I felt my blush reach my ears, and my heart was pounding so hard, I thought for sure Phil had to be able to hear it.

His confession sent a shockwave throughout my body. It was so sincere, so genuine, and I quite literally didn’t know how to reply. Phil, the man that I love, my best friend, just told me he would never, _ever_ , leave me for as long as he lived. That’s quite a long time, if you think about it. I could see Phil fidgeting and glancing toward the door, as if planning to make his escape. Knowing that if he left now, he may never open up his heart like this again, I grabbed hold of his arm. His head shot up, and his eyes made questioning contact with mine.

“Don’t go,” I finally spat out. “I, um, I feel the same way. About you, that is. I don’t ever want to leave you either… You’re so important to me, Phil. I hope you know that. You don’t know how grateful I am to have you in my life. In fact, I’d probably implode without you.” I gave a small snort out through my noise at the last sentence. My hand was still wrapped around his wrist, and I swore that I could feel his pulse racing. His eyes weren’t blinking, and in the dim light, I could see the faint blob that was his chest puffing in and out.

“D…d…do you mean that?” he questioned.

“Of course.” I immediately replied.

“Well, I wouldn’t want you to implode, so I guess I should probably stick around for a bit, hm,” he joked. He shot a glance down at my hand still raveled around his wrist.

Still staring straight into his eyes, I deadpanned, “Yeah. Probably should.” It may have been the lack of light playing tricks on my eyes, but I saw his own eyes flit down towards my lips and then back. I mirrored his movement, and I imagined the cogs in his brain turning.

We sat in silence for a few moments, occasionally looking at the other’s lips and then back to eye contact. It was damn near agonizing. After what felt like eons, Phil finally spoke up.

“Maybe… maybe we should stay with each other tonight. You know, just to be sure you won’t implode in the middle of the night,” Phil stammered out. I would’ve laughed at how silly he sounded, but the moment was so intense I just gulped and nodded my head.

“Yeah… that’s a good idea. You never know, you know.” I knew something had shifted in the atmosphere after I had spoken by the way Phil inched just a tad closer. His eyes once again glanced down at my mouth, but he held his gaze there longer. This time, he excruciatingly slowly brought his gaze upwards, grazing over my face and finally back to my eyes. I saw his Adam’s apple bob up and down, and the breath caught in my throat. He inched in again, almost imperceptibly so.

By this point, I could feel my hands sweating, and I knew he had to feel it on his arm. The room felt near boiling point, and I wished my duvet weren’t still wrapped around the lower half of my body. Then, Phil did something I was not expecting at all. He brought his free hand up, very gingerly, and gently placed it on my cheek. So gently that it tickled the peach fuzz on my face. Subconsciously, I leaned into the touch. His eyes widened again, and I saw that damn Adam’s apple bob once more. I was such a goner.

We slowly leaned closer, so close that I could feel his breath on my mouth, tingling my nerves. Time seemed to move so slowly that I felt we were frozen. And then suddenly, everything happened at once. Phil closed the distance, and my heart stopped. My brain went blank. And all I could think was _Phil. Phil’s kissing me._ A split second later, the world came rushing back to me. All my senses were magnified by a million. His scent. His feel. His _taste._ Right. He’s kissing me. Phil’s kissing me! I need to kiss him back.

And so I did. I moved my lips very hesitantly at first, but as soon as he responded favorably to this, I held nothing back. I released the grip on his wrist and brought my hands around the nape of his neck. I ran my fingers through his hair and nearly moaned at how soft it was. I put the past six years of pining into that kiss. All the love as well as the pain went into it. I thought my life couldn’t get any better at this point, but then he brought is _tongue_ into the mix. He swiped his tongue against my bottom lip, and I almost inaudibly whimpered. _Almost._ I felt him smirk a bit into the kiss, but I was too focused to be embarrassed. I opened my mouth to him and gave him full access.

He licked all around my mouth like he was exploring it. It was tentative first, testing the waters and finding out what felt good. My tongue rubbing against his felt the best, of course, so he concentrated on that. He sucked on my tongue for a second, and I moaned. I was about to pull away and apologize when I heard him moan as well. _Fuck._ The sound went straight to my groin, and I felt my jeans become just slightly tighter. Things were going really, _really,_ nicely, but then he pulled away. My mouth chased after his, and I groaned at the loss of contact, but he put a finger up to my lips.

“Wait. Before anything happens, I want to clarify. Dan, I’m in love with you. I have been for ages, and I really hope this means as much to you as it does to me,” he rushed out. The words sent a chill down my spine. _I’m in love with you. For ages._ Holy fuck balls. I couldn’t believe that the man that I’d been pining over for years had felt the exact same. This whole time.

“Phil, I… I never thought you’d ever feel the same. I love you so fucking much that it hurts. Now hurry up and kiss me again, because I’m losing patience.” After a second, Phil leaned right back in and continued our activities. As things heated up again, I felt myself growing harder and harder, and I desperately needed friction. As if reading my mind, Phil pushed me down on the bed and was now on top of me. We were a mess of moans and roaming hands and sloppy kiss, and Phil decided to take control of things.

The rest of the night was filled with gentle and loving words, as well as probably the best sex I’d ever had. I woke up the next morning curled up in Phil’s arms. He was peppering my head and neck with the sweetest kisses, and I grinned ear to ear. I flipped over to face him, and was met with a lazy kiss on the lips. We pulled away for a second or two and just smiled at each other.

“I have a confession to make, Dan.” Fuck. My heart sunk at this. He’s going to say it was all a mistake or just a one night stand. “A few weeks ago, you went out partying with some old high school friends. When you came home, you were totally smashed. You came into my room, and told me that you loved me, but you weren’t sure if you could do this. I just thought you should know that I was awake for it, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. It just… scared me, I guess.” My heart rose up again when I realized he wasn’t dumping me. I could tell I was blushing, because in all honestly I’d totally forgotten about that embarrassing ordeal.

“Yeah… Well, I was pretty fucking wasted. But, trust me. There’s nothing I’m surer about now than us. There’s nothing I care more about right now than this. Sure, I’m still scared as hell. But, I know if we stick together, we’ll always be okay.”

“I love you,” Phil quietly whispered to me. My heart almost burst at hearing the words again. It confirmed last night’s events and were full of promise for many more nights like it.

“I love you, too. Dork,” I replied to him, softly laughing. He smiled at me again and pulled me in for another kiss. In between kisses, he told me something that made me feel so overwhelming loved and wanted. Something that he would tell me for years to come. Something he would tell me on our wedding day. It was all I ever needed to hear, and I’d honestly be okay if it was the last thing I’d ever hear.

“You are the only one.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed it, please leave a kudos! This took several weeks to write. Also, if you haven't listened to the song "One," I highly recommend it! All of the lyrics belong to Ed Sheeran (obviously). This work, while based on some real events, is completely fictional. Thank you so so so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!


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